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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26206459">in the beginning was the word</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/staranise/pseuds/staranise'>staranise</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU: Nicky is an American fundie kid getting his mind blown by a state university, American AU, Anxiety Disorder, Christianity, College AU, Discussion of sexual consent/lack of consent, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Modern AU, Panic Attacks, Vomiting, kaysanova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:07:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,963</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26206459</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/staranise/pseuds/staranise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nicky arrived at university a well-disciplined Christian soldier, product of twelve years of rigorous homeschooling. The seeds of doubt his professors planted were well-watered by the boisterous, affectionate, and thoroughly queer company of the University Choral Association. And sitting in the no-alcohol corner of parties with Yusuf, the choir's tenor section lead, turned out to be a little less safe to his religious inhibitions than he bargained for.</p><p>Nicky's upbringing prepared him to stand alone against a hostile world. To carry truths in his heart everybody else would reject. To hold fast to his faith even if it destroyed him.</p><p>Which meant that, against all odds and expectations, when he fell in love with Yusuf, he was brave enough to say something about it. </p><p>Or, well... just barely.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>344</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>in the beginning was the word</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Based on <a href="https://with-my-murder-flute.tumblr.com/post/626222568341471232/i-respect-modern-kaysanova-aus-with-italian-nicky">an AU idea I wrote about on Tumblr</a>.  (Absolutely anyone else who wants to write the same thing is totally welcome to in my book.) </p><p>The scene is totally consensual, but contains references to consent/importance of consent/lack of consent being bad. Also, Nicky references a theory about homophobes all being secretly gay that I <em>don’t</em> believe is true, and the kind of homophobia he’s been guilty of around Yusuf is like, “arguing for the importance of traditional marriage in class debates”</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He wishes he’d gotten drunk. He actually tried, at the beginning of the party, but the beer he’d opened had been <em>disgusting,</em> so he left it on a table full of drinks and moved away. There were definitely better-tasting things that other people were drinking, but his courage got so sapped by the first attempt he spent the whole party drinking Coke and nursing it back up to full strength.</p><p>Quỳnh and Andy look so <em>natural.</em> They lean into each other without thinking. Andy will sling an arm around Quỳnh’s neck, and Quỳnh will clean off the seat next to the one she’s about to sit down in. Nicky envies their easy affection with an ache that <em>hurts.</em> </p><p>He gets strength from them. When Andy climbs from the back of the couch to Quỳnh’s shoulders and Quỳnh carries her with amazing strength down the hallway and into the bathroom to get a spider off the light fixture, Nicky stays where he is on the loveseat even while the rest of the party trails down the hall after him. He honestly thought Yusuf might stay in the kitchen at the ice cream bar, where he’s been all night, but when Sameen looks interested, he goes too. Nicky watches him. He cheers and applauds the battle against the spider and its release on the balcony. He glances at Nicky, a little kind of concern: <em>You’re quiet. Are you all right?</em> Nicky smiles back, uncurls his arms and makes space for Gabriela to sit back down next to him.</p><p>At eleven Yusuf’s roommate comes back and Yusuf herds the party out of his apartment–”You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” Michael waves to Nicky, who’s cleaning up, and goes to bed.</p><p>“Thanks for bringing this stuff,” Yusuf says when Nicky comes into the kitchen to empty his unfinished beer and a little bit of a can of Sprite into the sink. Yusuf is assembling the leftover chocolate syrup and ice cream cones into one of the plastic grocery bags they arrived in. “None of it’s going to fit in our fridge, so I assume I’m sending it back home with you.”</p><p>Nicky shrugs, hands in his pockets. “I can take it,” he says. His little dorm room can’t host a party, but maybe he’ll give them to the next one who hosts. It’s hard to think seriously about it compared to the small kernel of certainty he holds in his chest, like a flame he has to protect against going out.</p><p>“You okay?” Yusuf says, looking up at him as he screws a jar of maraschino cherries closed. </p><p>Nicky shrugs, swallowing around the lump in his throat. There’s a silence in the kitchen where Joe wipes down the island and keeps a worried eye on Nicky. He knows how to wait; he knows when Nicky needs time.</p><p>Nicky tricks himself into it by letting himself think he’s chosen against saying the unsayable thing. He’s swallowed the words. Then he shrugs again, and on an exhale he mutters, “I just really like you.”</p><p>The easy way he could have done this is the classic. Gone to a party, gotten drunk, kissed him unexpectedly. He wouldn’t have had to use <em>words,</em> then. But apparently that’s against the student code of conduct, unwanted sexual behaviour, so he doesn’t get to do it that way.</p><p>Being drunk would be a great excuse if he needed to laugh it off in the morning, though. The thought of pretending to have been drunk… makes his skin crawl.</p><p>After a small eternity, Yusuf says, “You really like me.” His face is carefully blank.</p><p>Nicky feels like he’s just heard a landmine go click beneath his shoe. He’s said <em>something</em> wrong, and Yusuf is on the defensive, so he <em>hurt Yusuf’s feelings,</em> and he doesn’t actually know what he <em>said</em> that was wrong, but Yusuf doesn’t <em>talk</em> about that kind of thing,  He always just says, “Don’t worry, let’s move on.” </p><p>More than anything in his life, he wants to <em>not be something Yusuf has to move on from.</em> He probably already is. But he’s already damned now.</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, staring at the floor, feeling dizzy from how fast the blood is going through his veins, and it feels like the bravest thing he’s ever done.</p><p>He should go home. He should give up. This is bad enough already.</p><p>“Sorry,” Yusuf says. “Are we… are we talking about the same kind of ‘like’ here? Are… are you okay?”</p><p>No, not really. Nicky had to squeeze his eyes shut, because this is probably what being drawn and quartered feels like. He really wishes Yusuf would end this conversation and let him <em>go.</em> He doesn’t need the ice cream toppings. Yusuf could just throw them all out.</p><p>He needs to leave. He’s even failed at being gay.</p><p>“Hey, whoa, hey,” Yusuf says. He touches Nicky’s shoulder gently. “Don’t freak out. It’s okay.”</p><p>Nicky has to work on bringing in air. He can try to be calm. Probably smile, get through whatever Yusuf is about to say until he can get to the other side of the door. He doesn’t need to make his feelings Yusuf’s problem.</p><p>“I really like you too,” Yusuf says. “I didn’t think that you…”</p><p>Nicky <em>does</em> smile, twistedly. “Isn’t that how it goes? Whoever’s most homophobic is probably secretly gay?”</p><p>To be clear, he <em>heard</em> the first thing Yusuf said. It is definitely noted and logged. It just kind of… doesn’t… mesh with absolutely anything else in his brain right now.</p><p>“You like me,” Yusuf says again, like he needs to confirm it.</p><p>It’s a symptom of the stupid <em>thing</em> in his chest that in the middle of freaking out, he can smile. A little, involuntary, stupid little smile, and he can raise his eyes to Yusuf’s shoulder. “I think you’re amazing,” he says softly. For a minute, it doesn’t even hurt. It just <em>is. </em>Yusuf is just… incredible.</p><p>Yusuf takes his hand. They are <em>holding hands.</em> He reaches out with the other and claps Nicky on the shoulder. He’s… smiling.</p><p>“Hey,” Yusuf says, and kisses him. It’s like no kiss Nicky’s ever had before. Instead of lips, it seems to be made of light. He’s not consciously thinking about anything. It’s like a purely involuntary motion, the way he leans in, the way he keeps kissing Yusuf, until the moment he reels back, drunken and amazed.</p><p>The world has changed in a burst of light and he’s gay and he has kissed Yusuf Al-Kaysani and he doesn’t seem to be touching the ground right now.</p><p>“So,” Yusuf says, “should we…?”</p><p>“Yes,” Nicky says, instantly.</p><p>“Yes?” Yusuf asks, eyes crinkling. “To what?”</p><p>“To anything.”</p><p>Yusuf’s smile deepens. “So we… finish up the ice cream stuff? We date? You go home for the night? You stay here?”</p><p>Oh. That’s a little harder to completely say yes to. He hadn’t thought there’d be so many <em>choices.</em> “Do you want me to go?”</p><p>Yusuf squeezes his hands. “I don’t definitely <em>want</em> you to go, but if you want to go, then I want you to. Habibi, I want you to be comfortable.”</p><p>Nicky drowns in that endearment. In that concern. “I want to stay,” he says.</p><p>“Then I think we should sit down,” Yusuf says, so they end up sitting on the couch. He puts the back of his hand to Nicky’s forehead. “<em>Are</em> you okay?”</p><p>“I was waiting all night to say that,” Nicky confesses, and that makes it natural to kiss Yusuf again, so he can do that. He can kiss Yusuf’s mouth and touch Yusuf’s hair, which is <em>amazing,</em> and if not interrupted he would have climbed onto Yusuf’s lap.</p><p>Yusuf did hold him at bay a little, though. “Are you still freaking out?” he asks.</p><p>“A little,” Nicky admits, the embarrassment delightfully, uniquely, weighed under with joy and pleasure.</p><p>“How close are you to throwing up?”</p><p>Nicky laughs a little. It feels like he’s going to fly apart. “Probably too close,” he says shakily.</p><p>Yusuf leans forward and kisses him again. A sweet kiss, but firm, not deepening. It sends a message of comfort and reassurance, not invitation. Even though it’s the chastest kiss they’ve shared yet, there’s something in Yusuf’s eyes that breaks Nicky open, like a lightning bolt cleaving his soul in two: Yusuf lights up when he has proof that Nicky likes him. He <em>wants</em> to feel loved. And that… is something Nicky can give him.</p><p>Yusuf squeezes Nicky’s hands. “What do you need right now?”</p><p>That’s the hardest question anybody’s ever asked him. Nicky squeezes his eyes shut and digs deep for some sort of answer. It makes him uncomfortably aware of how full his stomach is with cola and melted ice cream. He feels like a little kid who’s been given free rein in his grandma’s refrigerator and is going to regret it after.</p><p>“To stay with you,” he answers. “I don’t <em>want</em> to go home now. It’s too quiet, and I think that if I’m on my own I’ll think I’ve made… a mistake.”</p><p>He feels horrible for saying it. He doesn’t want Yusuf to doubt him, to think he’s going to turn away from this because of a guilty conscience, but he’s also a little bit aware that he <em>would.</em> He doesn’t know how anybody does this without the tether of Yusuf’s hands holding him to the ground.</p><p>“How about… you sleep in my room,” Yusuf says slowly. “We don’t have to do anything. We can go slowly. We can just… sleep.”</p><p>It strikes him as an incredible relief, which is unexpected. He’d thought they <em>would</em> have sex. Having sex was what you <em>did.</em> But he’s done so much already he’s strung between joy and exhaustion, and Yusuf doesn’t seem to mind it, so Nicky says gratefully, “That sounds good.”</p><p>In some ways it just means he begins freaking out about sex, as Yusuf shifts things around in the refrigerator to hold the ice cream toppings until morning. What if he and Yusuf want totally different things? Is he even sure what <em>he</em> wants? And how on earth do you begin <em>asking</em> for–</p><p>Yusuf takes his hand, pulls him along.</p><p>“Honey,” Nicky says randomly, as he’s following down the hall. Yusuf turns.</p><p>“Cupcake,” he says agreeably, like he knows what Nicky meant, and kisses him. A light kiss, a quick kiss, but no less thoughtful. It’s… what you say to your boyfriend when he’s said something sweet.</p><p>“Sweetheart,” Nicky says, and watches the astonishing, minute transformation when he’s found something Yusuf <em>likes.</em></p><p>The kiss is less light, less quick, this time. It feels so good it almost scares him.</p><p>He gets up in the middle of the night to throw up into the garbage bin next to Yusuf’s desk. Yusuf turns on the light, sits up to see him, and then squints sleepily and pads down the hall to the kitchen, returning with a large metal bowl and a glass of water.</p><p>“I love you,” Nicky says, way before he meant to. Yusuf rubs his back sympathetically and kisses his forehead.</p><p>When he feels better, he can climb back into bed, where Yusuf’s arms receive him. It feels like something from an alternate dimension.</p><p>He was so set on <em>getting</em> here that Nicky has absolutely no idea what to do <em>now.</em> What does dating look like? What will he do about Valentine’s day? Will Yusuf mind that Nicky isn’t texting him all the time? What if they break up?</p><p>Against his worries, an arm is pressing across his chest. Despite everything, he is <em>here.</em> Yusuf is holding him. It feels absolutely amazing.</p><p><em>I don’t think You’re probably happy with this,</em> he thinks at God. <em>But thank You anyway.</em></p>
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